Reflecting and growth, regrowth and bondage
a pale and chalky pond mirrors my face;
a hair grown thick and smooth, long
lashes appear with silky chambers
a labyrinth of doors of teak and hollow
the entrapment of age that soon follows, a
voiceless scream that echoes in acres
a minute hand too emotionless to move
fearing that self itself is all to hear
retracing, rebirth, remember and longing
from here, adhere, the chains of ages
everything is everything
How can you know everything;
when nothing you know is something
and something you know isn't everything
when everything is nothing
How can you be everything;
when being everything is all good
and being everything is all evil,
when it is not all good being both
How can you make everything;
when making nothing too is something
when something isn't everything
and would you have a mother too?
then would she be everything or are you wearing her shoes
well someone's definitely lying,
about who's who, similar to whom
How can you know everything;
when infinite are the numerals filling this room
perhaps continuous numbers are not in your vocabulary
perhaps everything isn't everything to you.
Water Scent of Daisy
The water scent of daisy
floating aimless in the wind
missing all the action
staying in like lazy
then crept in slowly
a gentleman in night --
clothes of ropes and hearts
patched upon his deathly body
wrapped around his skeleton ankles
he touched my forehead to speak
into the swimming sharks in rampant pools
discussing mother and women
all insecurities that hover round being a boy
trapped in a child's body
he asked if I still felt
the same as I used to
towards butterflies and bees
if I felt the sting and
solitary confinements of Beothius
but instead I saw what I saw a
moment ago the thing came but
just as it came it went
and moments passed and moments passed by
fearful flights now became common
as airlines took place in coherent imaginary movements
I remembered the face
of someone who made me cry
the simple hand gesture and dress
the elegant removal of a raptured heart lying limp in beneath skin
it made me question the meaning of this
it forced the child inside to speak
I willed it to mention
the truth of the matter and the heart
for I can never be so bold again
or so afraid and hopeless
in truths from the imaginary
I spoke the words of fire
I dreamt the language of tongues
I found out of Mother Mary
I witnessed my obession in lies
and my image imprint of a dress, two pink tubes and a very young fairy
a young fairy in dress
and in blue
and the two pink tubes
and the face of the fairy
I managed to sneak past that moment of interrogation
oppression and incomprehension
I managed but a little
that I was imagining my management
of a perfect moment to lose
everything
the leaning body of Lisa
spoke volumes to me
of Irish princesses
dancing in white creamed softness
and spoke something like how is it now
and my head against the side
a compressed wall of arm
and I felt at home for awhile
just as if I had met with destiny
smouldered in uncontrollable humility and shame
in a nest of warmth and security
soon the scent was gone
to the wind that took it away with her
and things are back to normal
a boy within the boy within the walls
detached and never attached
unmet and never met
cause for a scream, you might say?
I reached out to my mouthpiece and started shouting
actions and words are re-enacted
like a soap opera actor
trying to make sense of the senseless situation
only to know it was just a stage-play
Hamlet set me up time and time again
a second later and second ago
Lisa and her english accent
mirrored against the more asiatic boy voice
I asked if they could help me remember
a code or form of thought
a mention of the stages of thought perhaps
help me, just say Britain
they smiled and sniggered at me
at whom and who did I know nothing of whom whatsoever
all I know is shame and exposure
negatives in the sun for all to see
naked as is the frog hopping with a wonderful missing leg in
daily-scented flowers
I know I could not jump and yet I still stood
like Churchill in front of a ecstatic crowd of people
trying to impress
if shame permitted I should have been allowed to stop
if only I knew a second ago that I knew not
I remembered that the wind was hissing
whispering advice to my youthful enthusiasm
that I should watch I say
people might be hurt or troubled
relations could be altered and loves can falter
wings of angels and sunshines of heaven
all smashed against the window panes of the mindless games played by
one's mind on a tempest
soon playing ceased to be stopped
friendly gestures of tunes played in disguised technological effects
or perhaps pure and true talent
mesmerised by the voice I swam in happiness and in disclosure
and in bliss of the waves that I swam on
it felt unreal and it felt great
it felt generous but it all felt fake
I tried hard not to weep
the generosity of a cracking voice trying to salvage
whatever friendship and respect that was left
in a little boy
asking to be saved
by a friend who was drowning himself
I tried, trust me I tried
not to weep and cry
and I told myself this was only a moment
the wind would take with it and throw it back against the wall
and it will leave just like everyone else has
everytime
searching for words and billy bones and Romans attend
She, back in the drawer shipping charcoal fuels and coffee beans
asked for a negotiation and price
I haven't a business mind to answer
I nodded and tried my best not to smile
but my grin was as wide as the ocean and as foolish as me
she rubbed her hand on my head
like I was a little pet that needed stroking
but all I could manage was control
not to move and make silent love
make love silent
and unhappiness under the surface
the clothes hangers swung like UFOs
and I knew I had to let the waterfall fall on me
and so I left
and needed to wash
and I haven't seen since
the face and smile
till much later after dozing like Rip Van winkle
a simultaneous smile and eye contact
that I can hardly make sense and meaning of now
all that I know was that it was just a scent
and it was a scent that could leave anytime it wants to
to be experienced by another
and leave me, it did
and left me
just like everyone else
moreover, Romans would have been angry
killing the alliance that we ever had
destroy the friendship held together by trust
then I lay and tried to battle
I had enough of being the fool
of others in the material world
and the other lot in the mental realms
I had enough of you lot!
and I went away to be Rip
an escape to my own nothingness
no not even mental
just nothingness
then I woke and then I started to dress
and it took an hour to put my arm through the sleeves
and another hour to get my shoe into my foot
and I managed to be as gentle as I could
to my pride by being as helpfully subdued
as I can be
as all or everyone else has always tried to be
some time or other in their time in the life
and I knew for once how hopelessly lost I can be
how humble I should be to disabilities
how limiting life can be
how small the world of mind can seem
how meaningless things could be
how lucky I was
and I walked home
and away from the mess and everybody
away from the cents that got me
the water scent of daisy
Poem © 2004 E.T. Kerwen, all rights reserved
