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The cold hard metal of the gun pushes harder and harder into my neck until it is the only delight that fills my mind. I can not think why or if I am going to do it. It is a strange feeling because I've never felt more in control before. I have my eyes closed and without realising it I am slowly turning around.
I ripped my eyes open but relaxed again and as the pleasant sensation still grabbed at my body I found myself looking around with a feeling that I'd been in the same place for days without remembering one minute of it and then wondering what had convinced my mind to leave its state of oblivious dreaming to return to this photograph which was disappointing evidence that I couldn't escape reality forever.
As I'm turning around, the light that seems to be coming from outside looks red as it penetrates my eyelids. I can't open them, don't want to. But I realise that the light must be coming from a window since the room I am in has no lamps, nor a door. And the window is now open and I wonder why I did not hear anything in its opening.
A naked man came into the room maybe through a window I`m not sure and now the walls of the room seem to be moving out and out and out until there is nothing all around me except for the calming noise of leaves that are scraping against glass and I realise its not the same when:
It`s not real. I keep telling myself. But it is real and the window is open because a cold wind strokes my face, which makes me more alert as I find myself not holding the gun to my neck but to someone else`s. Not knowing who it is I spring my eyes open.
in this timeless room, I see myself and I don`t know if it`s in a mirror or in my dreams but I`m staring at something that resembles me.
And I give them the gun.
© 2002 the author, all rights reserved
appears here by permission
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